Patient Puns

By Alisa Pink

What's the difference between being in the hospital and a skunk?
Not much--both things really STINK!

What's the difference between a guy at the bar, and a person going to get vaccinated?
One drinks a shot from a glass, the other gets a shot in the ass!

What's the difference between a wasp and a doctor's bill?
At least the wasp warns you with a "buzzing sound" before you feel the sting!

What's the similarity between a comedian and a patient during surgery?
They are both cut-ups!

What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?
The patient's ability to talk during the testing process.,

What's the difference between the recently discovered life on Mars and a Lung?
One is a "Trans-Planetary Organism" and the other is a "Transplanted Organ".

What's the difference between a pizza and a nurse?
The pizza gets to your door in less than 30 minutes after you call.

What's the difference between a sword and a pill?
The sword is easier to swallow.

What's the difference between a hospital room and a phone booth?
The phone booth is bigger!

What is the difference between Road kill and hospital food?
Road kill is usually fresher.

What's the difference between dancing with a cactus, and staying in the hospital?
Dancing with a cactus is more fun, and you get less needle sticks.

What is the similarity of a rocking chair and a bedpan?
They both move when you try to sit on them.

What's the difference between a beeping IV pump, and a 3-year-old child who is whining?
The child is less annoying.

What's the difference between a TV remote control, and a nurse "call button"?
Pressing the TV remote results in something changing.

What's the difference between a concussion, and an alarm clock?
One is from a bump on the head, the other helps you to get out of bed.

Funny, but paying for a "round" of golf for you and 15 buddies will cost you less than it does when the doctors "make the rounds" to visit you in your hospital room!

Why do "couch potatoes" like to hang around in hospitals?
Because there is a television in every room.

Ever notice that the more serious the patient's condition, the more abbreviations the doctors and nurses use in their dialogues...?

I wonder..if a doctor gave you CPR after you collapsed in a restaurant, and he saved your life, would he bill you for his "services?"

The coffee at the hospital is so bad that I actually saw two female patients wrestling around in it.

What's the difference between the Las Vegas strip and a hospital?
You can get a little bit of sleep in Las Vegas.

What's the difference between Frankenstein's Monster and a patient who receives a second double-lung transplant?
Frankenstein's Monster has less scars on his body, and he is taller than I am.

(This last joke is some self depreciating humor, considering my most recent surgery.

September 1998
Alisa Pink

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